Stop F*cking Saying: "Douche" and "Douchebag" - Introducing "Swab"

The terms "douche" and "douchebag" have jumped the shark. It's a fact. And I'm certainly not the first one to express the sentiment.



Do a Google search "douchebag jump the shark" and you'll find a plethora of rants by internet writers and bloggers who have all been saying the same thing for months and months. BestWeekEver.tv even did an informal survey in search of a replacement word.



I, like many others, feel that the word "douche" is so fun to say, rolls off the tongue so eloquently, that we have become lazy about finding any appropriate synonyms. As a result, the word has become so ubiquitous that it's gotten to be annoying. It just smacks of unoriginality now. I've always believed that when you start hearing a pop culture phrase/word repeated by network sitcom characters and soccer moms, it's time to give it up.



So for a long time I've been asking myself, "What term can I start using to take the place of douche?" It's gotta be a term that is fun to say, not too many syllables, and, while the original definition of the word could get nowhere near the medical grotesqueness of that of douche, it has to come really close.

Well last night I had a revelation. And today I'm throwing my hat in the ring with a replacement for douche...

Swab.

Wikipedia's entry for swab:

"In medicine, a cotton swab is a small piece of material, such as gauze or cotton, which is used to clean wounds, apply medications, or retrieve samples of body fluids such as blood or mucus."

I wasn't even thinking in terms of sailing, but even that definition fits well.

"A nautical term for a yarn mop. By extension, it can mean a sailor, or one who acts like the lowest form of sailor, since the most inexperienced members of a ship's company were assigned to this task."

Just now, while doing a Google image search of "swab" for pics for this article, I found (on just the first page of results!) an instructional vaginal swab chart, a male rectal swab diagram, AND a 3-pane picture of dog vaginal smear with a swab. I mean, wouldn't it be awesome if, in a year, that same Google image search would also yield a picture of Spencer Pratt or your freshman year roommate sprinkled in with the others!?

So from now on, I'll be referring to all douchebags as swabs. I encourage you to do the same, if for no other reason then to help enlarge my ego.

I admit that it seems a bit cheesy and contrived right now. But so did "preash" before it caught on. Right?


Softer, better, deeper, stronger.

Note: After posting this entry, I made sure that no one had beat me to the punch on Urban Dictionary. While the sailor reference is there, apparently no one has used it as a synonym for douchebag yet. Winner!